Parading Around in Pakistan

For $30 million, all I had to do was find a guy. It seemed easy enough.

Fed up with student loans and usurious credit cards, I thought I'd hit the lottery for real. The U.S. Government was offering a cool 30 mil to anyone who could aid in the capture of Taliban leader Mullah Omar. What a deal!

I didn't speak Urdu, but English is the other of Pakistan's two official languages. Plus I took Spanish in high school. That's practically the same thing! How hard could conversation be? With my smartphone and its infinite number of "apps," that cash prize was as good as mine.

After landing in Peshawar, I took a cab to the outskirts of the city and figured I would ask one of the locals in or near the Pashtun tribal region of northern Pakistan.

I knocked on the door of a small hut. Without much delay, the door opened, and a stocky man with dark clothes and a warm smile welcomed me in.

"Pakheyr," he said. "Salaam, Ta sanga yee."

I stared at him blankly.

He kept on talking. I tried to say who I was in English. As soon as he heard me speak, his mood changed. He kept on speaking in his native tongue, and every so often I heard the English words "Ace Ventura" and "Pet Detective."

"No, I said. "He is an actor. I am not him."

I kept trying to explain in English, but he didn't seem to understand. So I said it again.

No, no soy Jim Carey. No soy un actor."

It didn't take. They didn't seem to understand English or Spanish. Or they thought I was lying. Either way, I must have made some sort of faux paus, because things didn't seem to be going over very well. Then the man of the house broke into a sinister looking grin and grabbed a huge knife about the size of his forearm.

"I kill you, Jim Carrey." And with that he lunged at me. Uh oh! I twisted out of the way just in time. The man barrelled past me and crashed into his own kitchen.

Man, I'm outta here! While my opponent was disoriented from the crash, I bolted out of that house faster than the time I walked out of The Cable Guy.

I sprinted for hours until I had left the temperate climate of Peshawar behind--long behind. The modern city had since vanished from sight and the tribal villages were fewer and further between until they disappeared entirely. The green scenery had turned to white.

I had entered the Himalayas! Ah the safety of the snow. It was cold, though. Damn cold. I opened my backpack to put on my jacket. Ah, that felt better. At least I had come prepared for the weather.

I still had to figure out where I was. I didn't even know which way was north. I pulled out my Galaxy Samsung S2 and decided to get a GPS on my location.

Before I had time to figure out where I was, I saw an animal running towards me. Oh no! A Snow Leopard! I was exhausted from my marathon up the mountain, and now some Himalayans snow leopard was going to eat me alive!

What a way to go. Instead of tracking my location on a map, I decided to take a photo of the killer cat so that at least my friends and family would know how it ended.

But the sleek snow leopard didn't care for me. The little leopard saw a tree and leaped, shaking its branches and playing in the snow. Maybe he didn't see me?

He jumped and jumped and like a little kitten. Come to think of it, he was a kitten. Judging by his size, there was no way this was a full grown mountain cat. My heart stopped again, where was this boy's mother? If she saw me, I'd be leopard lunch. 

Groar! She growled like Chewbacca. Seriously. That's what snow leopards sound like. Or I was just delirious from being out of breath and nearly a mile above sea level. Or possibly just the fear induced by a giant jungle cat running towards me. Maybe it was a combination of all three. Was she going to teach her cub how to kill humans? The baby cub ran. I was terrified. NOOOOO!!

I let out a blood curdling scream. This was it. I was a goner for sure. Come to think of it, I even sounded like Jim Carrey when I screamed. Maybe I was Jim Carrey after all! Maybe the villager was right! I can't escape fate! This is the end!

I my raging cowardice, I hadn't notice that the cub was actually running away from me. The momma had called off her baby and I was safe. I thanked my lucky stars that momma snow leopards find me both totally harmless and not very tasty.

With that, the two snow leopards marched away, up further into the Heavens. My second brush with death had been averted. Now I only needed to figure out where I was and where to go. I took out my phone: no reception. No idea where I was. It was getting dark. I couldn't even tell which way was north. I heard some crunching in the snow. Where the snow leopards coming up behind me?

"Bravo has found the chicken. I repeat, Bravo has found the chicken."

Huh?

I turned around and saw four U.S. Navy SEALs. It was a miracle!

"You came for me!" I said, elatedly.

"Yes, we came, but not for you specifically," said the lead SEAL. "You must be one of those jackasses who thought he could find Mullah Omar."

"Yeah?"

"We 'rescue' someone like you about three or four times a week."

Ouch. And I thought the Himalayas were cold. The SEALs escorted me towards a  clearing until a helicopter arrived to take us to friendly territory. As we flew away from Pakistan, I thought about how much money I had wasted on international airfare. But in a larger sense, I think the experience made me a better person. Although deeper in debt, I was richer in life. I looked at the brave men around me and thought, what's another $100 bucks at this point?

"Guys," I said. "Tonight, where going to your favorite place in Kabul. Drinks are on me."